


Complicated

by yvochrali



Series: The Retoldverse [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loneliness, Male Friendship, POV Xander Harris, Season/Series 01, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yvochrali/pseuds/yvochrali
Summary: Xander ponders over the meaning of having a soul and gets into a snarky show-down with Spike, who has conveniently replaced Angel as "Soul boy", except Xander doesn't exactly call him that. Part 2 of the Retoldverse. Set in Season 1.
Relationships: Xander Harris & Jesse McNally, Xander Harris & Spike
Series: The Retoldverse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891282
Kudos: 5





	Complicated

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do still not own the Buffyverse and I never will! Why? 'Cuz I will never be quite a brilliant writer as Joss! Nobody can! NOBODY! (Falls to the ground in despair)

**Complicated**

Xander was heading home. If a home was even the real term for a house where a _sad_ excuse for a family resided. He dragged his feet, deliberately walking as slowly as humanly possible. The cool air of the night stung his face, but he ignored it, too absorbed in his own thoughts to care.

An image of a certain, peroxide vampire swarmed his mind. He scowled fiercely. He didn't understand why Buffy would even let the irritating _parasite_ come along with them on patrol. Come near _Dawn_. He may have a soul, but that did not mean he was inherently “good”.

 _Dad has a soul._ His mind whispered to him.

A lump rose in his throat. It wasn't _fair_. Why couldn't everything just be _simple_? What made someone “good” or “bad” if they did, or didn't have a soul?

It wasn't fair.

But something told him that it never was. If life was fair...no, he didn't want to think about it. Spike wasn't a person. He _never_ would be. He didn't have feelings because he was a _vampire_ , soul or not. The soul couldn't make sure that you were “good” if it didn't even help humans to be “good”.

Demons were a whole other kettle of fish. Depending on the species, they did seem to have some kind of moral compass.

The bastard had even stolen _his_ Willow away from him. The way she looked up at the vampire with such admiration. It was as if she conveniently couldn't remember that he was a _vampire_.

He even dared to say that a vampire doesn't need a soul to feel anything except blood lust, vengeance and sick pleasure at human misery. _How can he say that? Jesse tried to kill me, Cordelia...and he didn't even care! He enjoyed it!_

Angry tears pricked at his eyes, and he hastily tried to wipe them away. _I had to kill Jesse. If he truly was Jesse, he'd be the same. He'd recognize me. He'd still..._

The tears began to run down his cheeks, hitting the ground faster and faster.

_...be my best friend_

He slowly sunk to his knees on the dirty pavement, the cold wind whipping around him, seemingly excited by his increasing guilt and misery.

He didn't _want_ to go home. Not now, not _ever_. He'd never felt so alone in his life. He'd always had Willow and Jesse. His mother had once been competent enough to actually _remember_ to drop him off at school once in a while. Now he had nobody...not really. At least, that's what it felt like.

That was when it heard it. A sound that makes his neck prickle and his skin crawl.

A growl.

He quickly wiped at his tears and stood up, turning around...

...only to come face-to-face with Spike.

Xander jumped back, immediately putting his hand around a spare stake in his pocket. He held it in front of him, ready to defend himself if needed, but to his surprise, Spike only stared impassively at him, almost mockingly.

"You're actually gonna _use_ that thing, Harris?" He quirked an eyebrow at the boy, amused.

Xander narrowed his eyes. "Get _away_ from me, Spike, or maybe I _will_." He threatened. He didn't need the parasite near him. Especially not right now.

Spike smirked in his annoying, superior way and began to take steps towards him. " _Relax_ , Harris. Aren't gunna hurt you."

Xander lowered his stake, but continued to watch the vampire intently, not trusting him for a single second.

"What are you doing _here_ , and why are you _following_ me?" He demanded. _Why can't he just leave me alone?_

Spike shrugged. "Just taking a stroll."

"Around _here_?" Xander asked incredulously. He scoffed. " _Come on, Spike_ , why would _you_ come _here_?" A thought occurred to him, and he continued; "Looking for a feast? Pigs blood not good enough for you?"

Spike's eye twitched, indicating that Xander had hit a sore spot, which he internally rejoiced at.

"Are you _daft_ , Harris, or just raving _mad_?" He said angrily. "I don't do _that_ anymore. You _see_ , if you didn't _listen_ last time, I'll explain it to you _very carefully_ , and you better listen _good_ and _proper_ , 'cause I honestly have time for the likes of _you_." He spat.

"You see," He crept closer, his voice taking on a mocking, childish tone. "Spiky went to the vet and came back, 'cept now he can't play with any of the other puppies anymore, ' _cause he's got bleeding feelings!_ " His voice rose in anger as he practically shouted the last part.

"You done with the pity party there, _Spiky_?" Xander asked sarcastically.

Spike sighed heavily. "You don't trust me, fine. Welcome to the _fucking_ party." He uttered bitterly, digging his hands in his pockets, looking very much human for once.

Xander looked at him, stunned, then he chuckled.

"What's so amusing, _brat_?" Spike gritted his teeth. How _dare_ the _whelp_ make fun of him!

"You don't trust _yourself_." Xander's smirk grew wider. "You _do_ realize exactly how _pathetic_ that sounds, right?"

" _Watch_ your tongue, Harris, or I might decide to kill you anyway. Soul, not a problem if it gets rid of a _bloody_ _nuisance_ such as _yourself_." The vampire snarled, his temper flaring.

Xander put his hand to his chest, "Ouch. That may _actually_ have hurt." Xander mocked. He honestly didn't care if Spike killed him right there and then. At least Buffy would _finally_ stake him. He thought cynically.

Spike raised an eyebrow at him, anger dying from his eyes as if he had suddenly realized something. Xander briefly wondered how he did it.

"Don't you have a home to go to, or did _the fam_ get sick of you too?" He shot back.

_He didn't..._

Xander felt his temper rise. "At least I _have_ a family! What did you do to _yours_? _Kill them_?"

Spike's eyes once again flashed with fury, and he clenched his fists together, restraining himself from lunging at _the stupid whelp_ and strangling him with his bare hands. " _Shut your bloody trap, Harris_! You don't know what you're talking 'bout!"

"Oh I _do_ , at least I'm man enough to admit _that you obviously do_!" Xander yelled.

Having decided that enough was enough, Xander turned around and stalked off. All he wanted was to get away from the annoying peroxide vampire behind him, who seemed to only exist to cause him misery.

He was so angry that he didn't even notice that said vampire didn't even follow him, too stunned to do so.

**Finite**

**Author's Note:**

> When I posted this on ff.net, I had written a whole other end note to this fic, but I can't use it now because it just doesn't fit into what I want to say.
> 
> Basically, what's happening here is that Xander is having a dilemma. A real, sucky one. His dad has a soul, except this doesn't stop him from hurting Xander, both physically and emotionally. Everyone says (Buffy, Willow...etc) that if you have a soul, then you are a "good" person. You must be, otherwise, everything else wouldn't make sense. This is not entirely true. Guilt is the only thing stopping Spike (for now anyway) from giving in to his instincts, as was it with Angel. They didn't actually care about humanity as they are not apart of it, but both eventually learn to be apart of society, and slowly but surely, they grow attached to humans again.
> 
> Spike says Vampires can love without a soul. If this was the case, why did Jesse not give a shite about Xander? 
> 
> The Cordelia thing can easily be explained; Jesse the Human had an obsessive crush on her, so Jesse the Vampire became obsessed with her as well, except he wanted to suck her dry due to his instincts. How nice.
> 
> Spike the Soulless Vampire could not love in this universe. Like Jesse, he had obsessions. Souled Spike has not come to this conclusion yet. 
> 
> Final conclusion: Vampires are blood-thirsty creatures who have obsessive complusions towards mass destruction; they will find any excuse to do so. The soul gives you two choices; shall I or shall I not? - Depending on people's personalities (that are shaped by their experiences) they will either choose Option 1 or Option 2. Of course, it's far more complex than that, but for now, it's good enough
> 
> R&R and don't forget to follow and favourite my story! 
> 
> xo


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